I’ve always attended to his needs. I have always thought of ways on how to improve the relationship. To make it fucking perfect. I gave my best. I wasn’t being myself. I was less egoistic. I was caring. I was fucking understanding. But then he just fucking needs MORE AND MORE AND MORE. His fucking attitude. I am so sick of it. Who does he think he is? Some sort of God who can manipulate everyone? I’m FUCKING TIRED OF BEING NICE! I’m fucking tired of giving everything I have. I am really DONE with this. GO ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE YOU SOCIOPATH! I don’t need ANYTHING FROM YOU. WHY DO I HAVE TO ADJUST? JUST BECAUSE HE’S HANDICAPPED DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO DO ALL THE UNDERSTANDING! JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LESSER OR HAVE BIGGER ISSUES, I HAVE TO ADJUST! WHY DON’T THEY ADJUST TOO? BECAUSE OF THEIR SITUATION? BECAUSE THEY NEED MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN THE OTHERS? REALLY? WHAT IF I TELL YOU, SOME PEOPLE ALSO NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD. WE ARE ALL FIGHTING OUR OWN FUCKING BATTLES AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT EXACTLY WE’RE GOING THROUGH. I’M SICK OF ALL THIS. I’M FUCKING SICK OF GIVING AND GIVING AND GIVING AND TRYING TO BE NICE AND BEING UNDERSTANDING. FUCK THIS! I AM MY OWN FUCKING HERO.
So I took him back. It’s only been a month but it felt like a year already. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal but I called it quits again. Why? Because he already said it himself. That I’m not good enough. Who will be good enough then? Nobody. Because he is a narcissistic sociopath. I don’t wanna get stuck in the same infinite loop again. I wanna be normal again. I wanna have realistic dreams again. I wanna live again.
God, I need you. Please help me get through this.
I woke up at 4:00 am and saw the blinking LED on my phone. A lot of missed calls and text messages. Then, he called up again. I held my phone and was hesitant. I was torn between ignoring the call and answering it. I made a very quick pros and cons. I picked it up. Why? Because I want to let him know that I was hurt. That I know everything about the silly games he play. That I have no plans of getting back together with him. So there, we talked. He was crying. He told me how he wanted to change bla bla bla. That he loved me so much bla. My reply to his statements were “NO. Please. Just let me move on. I’ve been nice to you so I think I still deserve one last favor. And that is you, leaving me alone.”
He accepted it. He asked how he can make it up to me. I said, by thinking of his brother’s and mother’s welfare will be more than enough for me.
He was still crying. I can feel the sincerity (or narcissists are really damm good actors?). Because I’ve seen that before. And I know after he’s done with his crying, he’ll just go back to his normal routine of making my life miserable which I’M ALREADY FUCKING DONE WITH.
My primary reason for having that last conversation is to make him feel that I was hurt, I’ve been very nice to him and also because I really needed that for my self-esteem. I needed the sincerest form apology he could give me. My soul needs it.
So there…no more drip, drip, drip. I am finally moving on. I will have no worries of him blackmailing me because I left in good terms with him. You know how narcissists plot revenge when they feel something doesn’t go their way. That’s why I inculcate in his mind that I was nice to him and I was hurt that’s why I’m leaving. At least, when he thinks of me, he wouldn’t feel the need to kill me.
Dammm. My soul is now free. Thank You, God. Thank You so much!
God, that was one dammm of a lecture. 😛
When you go into the relationship with the sociopath, things seem absolutely perfect. The sociopath embodies perfection, all that you are looking for and you are thrilled to bits that he seems to see you, as perfect too.
Of course, this is all an illusion and a lie. The sociopath is simply being who you want him to be. He is being a mirror image of the best side of you.
The shift in behaviour pattern
Once the sociopath has lured you into his web, and captured you, taken possession of you the games can begin.
Remember I wrote how the pattern is always the same
Once the sociopath goes into gaming you will see another pattern emerge. It is a way of controlling you, isolating you, and keeping you captive.
If you have friends, and an active social life, at first the sociopath being charismatic…
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It is always shocking to the victim who has been in a relationship with a sociopath, when you are ultimately ‘discarded’ leaving you feeling worthless.
You can be left questioning the following:
- What did I do wrong?
- Why did he stop loving me?
- Why did I deserve this?
- I want answers
- Why has this happened?
The first stage can feel heady, and like you are floating on air. The sociopath idealises you. Bombards you with affection. Tells you that you are perfect. Makes out that you are the person that he has waited all of his life for.Tells you that you are the love of his life. He mirrors back to you:
- What you need
- What you want
- What you think is missing in your life
- Who you would like to be
- The best side of you
It is the idealisation stage (the seduction) which lures you in…
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Check this out.
What is the cycle of abuse?
1. Tensions Building
You have just come out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship and things are looking promising. Alternatively, you might have just got back together, and there had been a period of calm…. Your partner has made huge promises to change (Lies to seduce you).
Your heart starts to sink, as you realise that this was just the ‘lull before the storm’. You feel the tension. You can almost feel it in the air. You ask ‘what is wrong?’, but you are reassured, ‘nothing’ or told that ‘you are being paranoid’. You can feel it. You can feel it in the air, and you can feel it in your stomach, you start to feel uneasy. At this point there might start to be accusations about things that (you haven’t done).
There is tension, and you cannot understand what it…
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I have always been a firm believer of destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Things that happened to me during the past couple of months were no accident. They were bound to happen. From playing Ragnarok to being transferred to head office. I was destined to meet those two difficult people who played the major role in making my life miserable. They resemble the evil part of me.
My former boss was very much like me in terms of micro-managing her subordinates and over delegating tasks. She was very disorganize and doesn’t know how to manage people well. I learned that subordinates do not like a boss who doesn’t know what she is doing. My former boss was very dependent to us. She delegated all her tasks to us and breathed down our necks. The same thing I was doing when I was supervising the store. I was checking up on my subordinates from time to time. I tend to delegate most of the tasks before because the tasks were very strenuous. Still, same shit.
My ex-bf was very much like the former me. I used to play with peoples’ feelings especially when they are very nice to me. I tend to abuse them. I don’t care about their feelings. I only care about myself. I was a cheater. I really was a heartless bitch.
Those two dominated my life for almost a year. It was like facing all my demons at the same time. I learned everything the hard way.
God knows that I am very stubborn. I don’t listen to other people easily. As for me, to see/experience firsthand is to believe.
Very much like my childhood experience. As a child, I really like to run and run and run and play with the other kids outdoors. My parents could not stop me from running because I was really opinionated and stubborn. I did not listen to them. I won’t listen. So what they did was to let me run. I was a little wimpy back then so I pretty much incurred a lot of knee wounds. That’s the only time I stopped.
That’s me. I won’t stop until something almost kills me.
But I’m glad it’s all over. My God, do I learn.
After breaking down the events and with careful analysis, I’ve realized that everything was a set-up. My lunatic ex pretended to be someone he’s not. He also changed the personalities of his friends to suit my preference. Just like what Barney did on a HIMYM episode.
Everything was a lie. The entire thing was built on lies. None of it was true since day 1. Sad part is, I did not see that coming.